Whether it's with friends, known sperm donors, or co-parenting sites, or connections made on so-called mating sites, more families are coming together platonically, without the pain of divorce or the added stress - and the expense of going it alone.
At age 45, after a long-term romance didn't work out, Nick Farrow decided to take matters into his own hands, entering into a platonic open arrangement that has flourished for nine years, since daughter Milly was born.
Farrow and his parenting partner live about 15 miles apart, he in the English seaside town of Brighton. Their daughter, conceived through insemination, shuttles between the two. Not unlike divorced couples with kids, the two come together for Milly's birthdays, and they sometimes alternate Christmases and other special occasions.
Farrow met his parenting partner on Modamily, one of a handful of sites and apps aimed at family building, as opposed to the hookup culture and endless swiping of dating services.
Since 2011, about 100,000 people from around the world have registered on Modamily. At least 1,000 babies have been born through partnerships created there, said founder and CEO Ivan Fatovic. About half involved known sperm donors from a database of nearly 10,000 that the site maintains, he said.
“We’re seeing people look at all the different alternate ways of starting a family because they've been thinking about it for many years,” Fatovic said. “Whatever they’ve been doing up to this point wasn’t working so they start thinking outside the box.”
There's no one scenario that defines elective co-parenting. Most, but definitely not all, platonic co-parents live separately. Some who seek out Modamily or similar services are in search of sperm donors they can meet personally, with or without the potential to share their lives once a baby is born.
Other parenting partnerships come together out of need for financial and care support in raising children. Still others involve two friends who want children without romance. And there are those like Farrow, unlucky in love with a burning desire to parent, but not alone.
The idea of co-parenting is, of course, nothing new among divorced couples, but more divorced women are leaning on each other to make it through.
About six years ago, 39-year-old Ashley Simpo and her son moved in with a friend and her two kids to share expenses and parenting duties in Brooklyn, New York. High rents and low salaries were crushing them both.
“I think that the alternative for both of us would have been homelessness or moving back in with parents and relocating. For parents, that means ripping your kids out of their schools,” she said.
Their “mommune” of five lasted about six months, until their finances stabilized and they amicably ended the arrangement.
“It really opened my eyes in terms of how mothers support each other. I had never really tapped into a mother ship or an intentional community network,” said Simpo, who had been divorced about two years at the time. “It was really healing for me.”
Platonic co-parenting arrangements require thoughtful structure. That can get difficult when multiple parents are involved — after divorce, for instance, or when friendships change.
Many sign parenting agreements with the help of lawyers or family coaches to crystallize rules and lay out what is non-negotiable. There's religion, but also what happens if either co-parent begins dating or gets married? And there's the day-to day, like how finances are handled and what disciplinary approach will be taken.
“In platonic co-parenting relationships, I think people forget to plan for all of those little nuances,” said Alysha Price, who owns a firm offering parenting coaches. “It's not always going to be stars and rainbows and happy days."
In London, Patrick Harrison co-founded PollenTree.com in 2012 as a resource for people interested in platonic co-parenting. It grew quickly and now serves the U.S. as well. Users are split between people looking to meet and choose sperm donors without the option of co-parenting, and those “really focused on creating their own kind of alternative family,” Harrison said.
“People are looking at family life and thinking, ‘I want some of that, too.’ People have this kind of misconception that it’s all very alternative, but it’s deeply not. A lot of our members are really conventional. They want kids. They just want kids,” Harrison said.